BEING HAPPY

By Pope Francis

“You may have defects, be anxious and sometimes live irritated, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can prevent it from going into decadence. There are many that need you, admire you and love you.

I would like to remind you that being happy is not having a sky without storms, or roads without accidents, or work without fatigue, or relationships without disappointments.

Being happy is finding strength in forgiveness, hope in one’s battles, security at the stage of fear, love in disagreements.

Being happy is not only to treasure the smile, but that you also reflect on the sadness.

It is not just commemorating the event, but also learning lessons in failures.

It is not just having joy with the applause, but also having joy in anonymity.

Being happy is to recognize that it is worthwhile to live despite all the challenges, misunderstandings and times of crises.

Being happy is not inevitable fate, but a victory for those who can travel towards it with your own being.

Being happy is to stop being a victim of problems but become an actor in history itself.

It is not only to cross the desserts outside of ourselves, but still more, to be able to find an oasis in the recesses of our soul.

It is to thank God every morning for the miracle of life.

Being happy is not being afraid of one’s feelings. It is to know how to talk about ourselves. It is to bear with courage when hearing “no”.

It is to have the security to receive criticism, even if it unfair.

It is to kiss the children, pamper the parents, have poetic moments with friends, even if they have hurt us.

Being happy means allowing the free, happy and simple child inside each of us to live; having the maturity to say, “I was wrong”; having the audacity to say, “forgive me”.

It is to have sensitivity in expressing, “I need you”; to have the ability of saying, “I love you.”

So that your life becomes a garden full of opportunities for being happy…

 In your spring-time, may you become a lover of joy. In your winter, may you become a friend of wisdom.

And when you go wrong along the way, you start all over again. Thus you will be more passionate about life.

And you will find that happiness is not about having a perfect life but about using tears to water tolerance, losses to refine patience, failures to carve serenity, pain to lapidate pleasure, obstacles to open the windows of intelligence.

Never give up.. Never give up on the people you love. Never give up from being happy because life is an incredible show.

And you are a special human being!”

Just what I needed :)

April 2015 - One of my 'Being Happy' times

"50 questions" #2

So, I decided to answer the "50 questions" that I've posted before. Well, you know, just for fun.

Here you go.

“50 questions”

1. What would you name your future daughter?

-          Honestly, I’ve never thought about it yet.

2. Do you miss anyone?

-          Yes. I miss those (friends and families) whom I haven’t been seeing for quite some time.

3. What if I told you that you were pretty?

-          Aww. I think I’d be shy and not knowing how to respond other than smiling and saying thank you. But if it’s possible, I’d give you a hug.

4. Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

-          No.

5. What are you looking forward to in the next week?

-          Nothing, I guess. But I’m so looking forward for this weekend’s event.

6. Did you go out or stay in last night?

-          Stayed in.

7. How late did you stay up last night?

-          I fell asleep at almost 5 in the morning. I just can’t sleep.

8. Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

-          No.

9. What were you doing at 12.30 this afternoon?

-          Since I’m answering this during midnight so automatically what I’m doing on yesterday’s afternoon. Ok. I think I was listening to the radio.

10. Have you ever told someone you loved them and not actually meant it?

-          No. I have never done that. Why would I do that? That’s just mean.

11. Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

-          I’m not an alcoholic (but if anyone has offered me a shot, why not?!) person so, yes I can do that.

12. Have you pretended to like someone?

-          Can’t really recall but I think I did.

13. Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

-          I don’t smoke so yes.

14. Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

-          There are lots of them actually.

15. Is it hard for you to get over someone?

-          If that love feeling exists between me and whoever the person is, then it would be yes.

16. Think back 5 five months ago, were you single?

-          Always have been.

17. Have you ever cried from being so mad?

-          One of my weaknesses is that I can’t continue with what I wanted to talk about if I’m super mad. A sea of tears would flow for sure.

18. Hold hands with anyone this week?

-          Yes. (With my cats)

19. Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

-          Frankly speaking, I haven’t had my first kiss. (LOL)

20. Who did you last see in person?

-          That would be my friends but not really in person.

21. What is the last thing you said out loud?

-          Was asking my dad about water when I was in my room and he’s outside.

22. Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

-          Please refer to question 19. (LOL)

23. Have you ever been to Paris?

-          No, I haven’t. But it’s in my list.

24. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

-          I’ve mastered it.

25. Do you use Chap Stick?

-          I don’t, most of the time. Unless, I really need it or I feel like I want it.

26. Who did you last share a bed with?

-          My cat. Really.

27. Are you listening to music right now?

-          Yes.

28. What is something you currently want right now?

-          Hmm. I don’t think I need to write it. So, next.

29. Were your last three kisses from the same person?

-          You would want to refer to question 19, again.

30. How is your heart lately?

-          I think my heart is feeling much better. Or not really. I mean sometimes when it’s feeling OK but it also immediately dropped to not feeling OK. I think it’s quite scary.  

31. Do you wear the hood in your hoodie?

-          Really?

32. When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

-          Few months ago, I guess.

33. What do people call you?

-          Lid, Lidwina, Lady or a nickname (I can’t tell) that my family used to call me.

34. Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

-          Always.

35. Are there any stressful situations in your life?

-          Are you kidding me?

36. What are you listening to right now?

-          “Shuo Le Zai Jian” by Jay Chou. Which means – Say Goodbye.

37. What is wrong with you right now?

-          I don’t even know what is wrong with me.

38. Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

-          Yes. Only if you don’t take granted of it.

39. Do you make wishes at 11:11?

-          No. Why would I?

40. What is on your wrists right now?

-          I had this black kind of wood bangle on my left hand that I’ve been wearing for 6 years now.

41. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?

-          I am confused, wondering, planning and single too.

42. Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

-          I’m wearing my mom’s baggy shirt right now. It’s so comfortable.

43. Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

-          Back to question 19. Would you?

44. Have you hugged someone within the last week?

-          No.

45. Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

-          Obviously, no.

46. What were you doing at midnight last night?

-          I’m in front of my laptop watching Korean variety shows.

47. Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

-          No (80%) and yes (20%)

48. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

-          I wouldn’t mind sleeping alone but it’ll be fun if I had lots of cats sleeping with me.

49. Have you ever been to New York?

-          No. But again, it’s on my list. Who knows if I get there, I’d have the chance to be featured in Humans of New York.

50. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

-          I always have people saying those 3 words to me but in a different ways. And I think that they do mean it. I hope I guessed it right though. 

That's it.

On a side note, I had a fringe now. I just had my little brother fixed up the mess that I've done with my new front hair. Not really sure if this fringe thing suits me but I'll just embrace it.

"50 questions" #1

There’s this page in Facebook called “berlin-artparasites.”

"berlin-artparasites shares compelling artwork that alters the way we live, love, work, play, think and feel" (Arts/Humanities Website), berlin-artparasites.

I’ve been following the page for few months now. I can say that it’s one of my favorite things in Facebook. Because sometimes the posts managed to express the thoughts that I’ve always had in mind but couldn’t let it out. It’s just simply refreshing, beautifully expressed and it makes me go, “Dang! That’s what I feel.” The feels is just so deep. And I really liked it. It feels like someone understands what you’re feeling.  

One of the posts title recently was, “50 questions” (with a picture), painting by David Hockney.

I feel like I wanted to answer the questions. It’s interesting. But maybe I should think about it first but for now I’m just going to put the questions here.

So, here you go.

“50 questions”

1. What would you name your future daughter?
2. Do you miss anyone?
3. What if I told you that you were pretty?
4. Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
5. What are you looking forward to in the next week?
6. Did you go out or stay in last night?
7. How late did you stay up last night?
8. Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
9. What were you doing at 12.30 this afternoon?
10. Have you ever told someone you loved them and not actually meant it?
11. Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
12. Have you pretended to like someone?
13. Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
14. Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
15. Is it hard for you to get over someone?
16. Think back 5 five months ago, were you single?
17. Have you ever cried from being so mad?
18. Hold hands with anyone this week?
19. Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
20. Who did you last see in person?
21. What is the last thing you said out loud?
22. Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
23. Have you ever been to Paris?
24. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
25. Do you use Chap Stick?
26. Who did you last share a bed with?
27. Are you listening to music right now?
28. What is something you currently want right now?
29. Were your last three kisses from the same person?
30. How is your heart lately?
31. Do you wear the hood in your hoodie?
32. When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
33. What do people call you?
34. Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
35. Are there any stressful situations in your life?
36. What are you listening to right now?
37. What is wrong with you right now?
38. Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
39. Do you make wishes at 11:11?
40. What is on your wrists right now?
41. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
42. Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
43. Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
44. Have you hugged someone within the last week?
45. Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
46. What were you doing at midnight last night?
47. Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
48. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
49. Have you ever been to New York?
50. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

Isn’t it interesting?

I’ve been answering these questions in my mind. I just need to put it into words and it’s done.

But, should I do it?

Yes?

No?

We’ll see.

Losing Myself

As I am writing this, I had no positive thoughts in me. I am occupied with on and off different kinds of negative thoughts. I have so many things on my mind. Wished to let it out on my blog but I don’t even know how to start or where to start or what to write. I don’t even know if my fingers want to type any words but it’s typing now. Can’t even decide if I’m hungry and I want food or I’m just thirsty but when I went to the kitchen, I was just washing my hands when it’s not even dirty and straight went back to my room. What the hell was that? I think I want a cup of tea mixed with milk and my favorite cookies Chipsmore and Oreo but I don’t feel happy. I want to feel happy while I’m having them just like the other nights. I saw familiar faces but every word that comes out from my mouth are something that I didn’t meant to utter. Because there’s something deep hidden beyond every words that has been spoken. And it’s totally up to me whether to splash or zip it. If I splash it, that’s not me. If I zip it, at least it’s me but it’s killing me. It’s like you’re slowly dying but not because of diseases but because of your own thoughts. You are suffocating. Some days, you managed to fight it really well, how wonderful that feeling was. But other days, you just have it worst, it’s totally conquering you. 

For now, I just don’t feel good. I feel like if there’s an award for the greatest failure person then that award should goes to me. I feel like I’m not good enough in everything. I feel like I haven’t achieved anything in my life. Please understand that I am not being an ungrateful person but it is because I am a human being with heart and a feeling causes me having these ‘not good enough’ kinds of feelings. And I’d like myself to believe that it is totally acceptable and OK to feel like this sometimes because there are tons of people out there saying and telling me that “life is not going to be sweet and smooth, it’s going to be like you are on a roller coaster. You’ve been doing it wrong if everything goes well. Because if you haven’t been feeling all the lows and downs feelings, you wouldn’t know how to appreciate life better.” I’d take that as my struggles in life will shape me on to a way of becoming the person I aspire to be. It’s just that it’s not working on me right now. I mean it does work most of the time but sometimes, it didn’t.

Sometimes when negativity consumes me, I have this strong thought of wanting to go out, sitting beside a stranger and just casually talking about life like I’ve known him/her for years. I feel like I wanted to be surrounded by kids, asking and answering questions with them wonderful people. Because usually children gives the most sincere and pure answers that I’m sure can brings out the best in me. I feel like I wanted to share my foods and drinks with anyone who doesn’t have it and needs it. I feel like I wanted to text and call the people that I adore so much in my life, telling them that I don’t feel good about myself, that I don’t know what’s my purpose in this world. It doesn’t matter if they didn’t want to respond to my rants, I just wanted someone who’s willing to listen to it. Because it means the world to me knowing that people do care. 

And sometimes, I really wished I know that particular person on Ask.fm that has been asking whether I’m doing okay or not, because I have so much things to tell him/her. I wanted to say thank you for the question because I felt so appreciated and I wanted to talk about life’s disappointment, cats, insomnia, depression, fears, soothing music, love, passions, and all the beautiful and ugly things in the universe. And I don’t mind talking to stranger for hours if that will makes me feel good about everything. I just wanted to do whatever that makes me happy and be in a place that makes me feel good about myself.  Sometimes I wanted to inspired people but most of the time I am the one who needs those inspirational people so much in my life. I can’t be an inspiration or a good example to the people out there if I don’t feel like me. I mean, how can I? I am basically nothing.

I’m so sorry for the negative energies that I’ve turned into a post.

I was just letting it out.

I'm Not Okay. Would You Lend Me Your Shoulder?

Everything’s just not for me. Every single thing that I’ve put my hard work on is not working out. Why? I’ve just started feeling alive again after not feeling OKAY for almost 2 years now. Where is hope? Are you playing with me? Why is it that everything seems so hopeless right now? What is fair anymore? My heart’s shattering into pieces every single time just because I need to fake about me being happy in front of everyone, especially those that I loved so much. Because those that I loved so much, always sees the cheerful, strong and brave Lidwina. How can I show the opposite of those positive attitudes? I care so much when it comes to people that I loved. How is it possible for me to break their hearts? 

I’ve never ever said and told anyone about this particular thought that I always had before, but I know that everyone that knows me expect me to always be the best in everything. And it really hurt me so bad, for people to think that I am always going to be the best which I can’t. Just because I am a disabled person that doesn’t mean that I am less than any other ordinary human being. I have my worst and lowest moments. I can be someone who’s really good at failing too. Not because I wanted it to be that way but because I am a human. Please understand that I can’t always be the best. When everyone of you set that high expectations in me and when I failed to be that successful person in anytime, it kills me. It makes me feel really bad about myself because I disappoint people that I loved. The wound of disappointment that I had takes so much time to heal and even though it heals, it keeps coming back. And I know it’s becoming worst when I slowly started to lose my self-confidence. It takes a whole life for me to build that self-confidence in me and it only takes a moment to crash it. What’s the safest way to take in order for me to protect myself from being hurt as well as the heart’s of my treasures? I think, sometimes I probably had to sacrifice mine. Because at the end of the day, that’s what all matters right? Sacrificing your desire, happiness and sometimes could be your life’s goal too.

Hmm, I don’t know. I just had so many things on my mind right now. Most of it is negative thoughts and it’s really frightening. I don’t even know what to do. All of a sudden, I kind of felt like unsupported in so many ways. People were there to listen but it felt like they weren’t really paying attention to you, they were just there, listening without responding. It extremely broke my heart that certain people in my life thinks that it is okay to let me face my sadness alone. That it is okay to let me just have my time crying silently to sleep. That it is okay to not to talk about it with me for a while. That it is okay for me to hide in my room. NOOOO. Please. It’s not okay! I’m slowly dying here. Can you not see? It’s killing me. Talk to me. That’s what I need. I need you to figure things out with me. I need support. Where’s the love? I can’t feel it. I can’t feel everything. Everything’s just so empty. Where is everyone when I needed them the most? Am I not important? Am I such a useless person? Yeah, you’d probably thought about that. Yeah, this is life. Okay.

Or,

Perhaps, this is my fault? For being me. For being Lidwina.

You Feel Me?

“Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid”

YES, beyond doubt. If it’s only going to make someone feels bad about themselves, don’t you think you should’ve just accept things the way it is and just give your support in any second plans that is almost happening instead of flaming the sadness that already burning on. I do understand that your opinions are really important and you have the rights to voice out your opinions, another undeniable thing. But please don’t ever forget that I do have my own point of views and I do have my own ways of trying to solve my doesn’t-goes-well-plan-for-plan A. By saying that, it doesn’t mean that I will not listen to what you wanted to say. In fact, I really think that your opinions are really important too. I takes things serious about your opinion but when it doesn’t matches with what I’m planning, I think it’s okay for me to have a little bit of my opinion and combine it with yours and all you have to do is to support me and surrounds me with your positive vibes. Because when it feels like things are started to fall apart, when I can’t clearly see which way I am supposed to take,  when I needed hope when everything seems hopeless, support from the people whom I loved the most is something that I needed more than anything else in this world. When you have the support from the important people in your lives, automatically there’s hope in you. You’ll begin to have faith in yourself and always trying to pour positive words to yourself. Isn’t that wonderful?

We might not know what will happen in the future but for sure God has greater plans for each and everyone of us. And while going through the process of God’s plan, I believe that we need to face various kinds of hardships in life in order to get there, God’s greater plan. And the very best thing to do is to not to compare your journey with another people’s. Because it is decided that in life we’re not going to have a same route as different people have a different life’s path. Sometimes I think that it is okay too to feel all sorts of downs feeling because it actually leads us to a better understanding of life’s most powerful lessons. I’m not saying that it’s easy to cope with it, plus it takes amount of time to feel better but all I can say is that it is worth it. Unfortunately, all those down feelings will not only appear in your life once, it’ll come frequently but on the bright side, you’ll handle it well than you were previously and you’ll be fine.

Those who stay positive even when I’m at my lowest are the best kind of people. You people owned my heart.   

PARDON ME FOR CRYING *CRIES*

Pain Demands To Be Felt – John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

Pain demands to be felt. It has a very unfathomable meaning to each and everyone of us, I believe.  It can contain with different explanation or interpretation as different people have a different perspectives. One thing for sure, it is enough to break our heart into pieces no matter what is the incident.

As for me, I have so much LOVE for everything. Be it living and non-living things, it makes no difference to me. It’s really hard to love someone/something without having a little bit of pain inside you. The ‘What Ifs’ kept on interfering my mind. When it comes to humans and animals, it is so scary to have the thoughts that one fine day they are going to leave you. Without saying goodbye or without any signs is the most heart-wrenching pain. Or, can be, the signs that they are leaving are not visible enough for me to realize. Same goes with objects/things that you really love suddenly broke or no longer can be used. You will miss how it used to run before and forever want to keep it with you. All these things make you realized that, it is really a vital reminder for all of us to treasure everything’s in our lives and how crucial it is to unqualifiedly love one another. Because things are never going to be the same again once it’s gone. At the end of the day, you can only hold onto the memories and continue living your life.

“Why am I, all of a sudden, writing this entire thing?”

I actually lost my dog two days ago because she didn’t able to deliver her babies. Yes, it’s a ‘she’, my dog. She got hit by a car back in 2013 if I’m not mistaken. That is also the time when I’m on my second semester of doing Pre-U and living away from home. So, one day in the evening, I got a text from my mom telling me that our dog has been hit by a car. She didn’t die for sure but was in a very critical and weak condition. I was shocked and really sad. Like I said, I have so much love for everything. So, I asked my mom to send a picture of her and my mom did. I am so dumbstruck and I can felt my tears on my cheeks right after I’ve seen her pictures. I thought she won’t be able to recover again but amazingly as time passes by, she managed to pull through although not as healthy as she was before. She loses her weight a lot, had a permanent injury in her right leg and possibly injuries in some of her organs too. I mean, tell me, how can it be possible for a dog that has been hit by a car completely being healthy again?

Me and my dad noticed that there were few times where she got pregnant but always faces miscarriages too. I could totally understand on what is the reason. And obviously I am upset. Who doesn’t? On her last few days, my heart aches so much seeing her condition being so weak and forcing her body by dragging it to eat. Even with that condition, she eats a lot too. She is such a fighter.

She is a very nice dog and she has that innocent looks most of the time. When it’s meal time, she really eats a lot and impatiently finishes everything. Now that she’s gone, I can say that it feels weirdly sad seeing there’s an empty spot where she used to have her meals. Because whenever my dad feed our dogs, I was there too, all the time actually, watching if each of them fairly gets their food. Everything seems to feel different when you are no longer seeing a face that you are used to. She’ll never going to be here anymore, no matter how many times I call her name. I will never see her running around in front of the house anymore. BUT, on the bright side, I am beyond glad that she has gone to a better place. Because I know that she has endured the pain for so long. I wouldn’t want to see her suffered any longer. I believe that God knows the best for everyone and we need to trust that HIS plans are greater than any other things in this world.

It is an eternal goodnight to my dog. I’ll be missing her, dead sure. Rest well and have fun in Heaven!

Now it’s time for me to pick up these broken pieces of my heart. *Wiping a sea of tears*

Till we meet again, my love.