IN GOD WE TRUST

“Don’t you feel confused of living your life as a human being in this world?”

I do. It makes me feel so demotivated, lost and hopeless. I’m so confused about every single thing in this world to the point that I can’t even decide on which ones to begin with. I got shocked of myself too because for the past few years I had never questioning myself about how confusing life can be. It’s so confusing that it makes me feel tired of.. living. The ‘I’m so tired. Is it possible for me to just go?’ thoughts had left me clueless. How can I have that kind of thinking? 

The sudden question appeared from nowhere, ‘Lidwina, don’t you think you should be grateful of your life?’ attacked me and I am feeling miserably wrong. Yes, that’s the word. MISERABLY WRONG. It’s a big lie if I say I am not grateful of this life I’m living right now. I would have been committing suicide by taking a lot of pills or drowning myself or even letting myself getting hit by a truck if I am not feeling grateful of this life that I owned. But the thing is that, it is even a bigger lies if I say I am not questioning and feeling all sort of confusing things in my life. 

And here comes the killer question, ‘What is it that makes you feel so confused about life?’ frankly speaking, I’m not sure too. Isn't it ridiculous? 

But most probably it’s because I’m feeling like a lost soul at the moment that makes me questioning about life so much and leads to confusion. I'd probably need some time or space to re-build whatever needed to be re-builds in me. And of course for sure this is the perfect time for me to strengthen my self-learning, to slowly change my viewpoints towards any situations that perhaps currently are heading to me, to apply in my daily life as a self-directing guide and obviously to be a better person than I was before. Certainly, it’s easier said than done. But trust me, I swear I’m trying so hard day by day to fight with these confusions till it makes me felt going to a war as soon as I woken up every morning. 

Whatever it is, I hope it gets better. Lidwina, you’ll get through this.