I'm Not Okay. Would You Lend Me Your Shoulder?

Everything’s just not for me. Every single thing that I’ve put my hard work on is not working out. Why? I’ve just started feeling alive again after not feeling OKAY for almost 2 years now. Where is hope? Are you playing with me? Why is it that everything seems so hopeless right now? What is fair anymore? My heart’s shattering into pieces every single time just because I need to fake about me being happy in front of everyone, especially those that I loved so much. Because those that I loved so much, always sees the cheerful, strong and brave Lidwina. How can I show the opposite of those positive attitudes? I care so much when it comes to people that I loved. How is it possible for me to break their hearts? 

I’ve never ever said and told anyone about this particular thought that I always had before, but I know that everyone that knows me expect me to always be the best in everything. And it really hurt me so bad, for people to think that I am always going to be the best which I can’t. Just because I am a disabled person that doesn’t mean that I am less than any other ordinary human being. I have my worst and lowest moments. I can be someone who’s really good at failing too. Not because I wanted it to be that way but because I am a human. Please understand that I can’t always be the best. When everyone of you set that high expectations in me and when I failed to be that successful person in anytime, it kills me. It makes me feel really bad about myself because I disappoint people that I loved. The wound of disappointment that I had takes so much time to heal and even though it heals, it keeps coming back. And I know it’s becoming worst when I slowly started to lose my self-confidence. It takes a whole life for me to build that self-confidence in me and it only takes a moment to crash it. What’s the safest way to take in order for me to protect myself from being hurt as well as the heart’s of my treasures? I think, sometimes I probably had to sacrifice mine. Because at the end of the day, that’s what all matters right? Sacrificing your desire, happiness and sometimes could be your life’s goal too.

Hmm, I don’t know. I just had so many things on my mind right now. Most of it is negative thoughts and it’s really frightening. I don’t even know what to do. All of a sudden, I kind of felt like unsupported in so many ways. People were there to listen but it felt like they weren’t really paying attention to you, they were just there, listening without responding. It extremely broke my heart that certain people in my life thinks that it is okay to let me face my sadness alone. That it is okay to let me just have my time crying silently to sleep. That it is okay to not to talk about it with me for a while. That it is okay for me to hide in my room. NOOOO. Please. It’s not okay! I’m slowly dying here. Can you not see? It’s killing me. Talk to me. That’s what I need. I need you to figure things out with me. I need support. Where’s the love? I can’t feel it. I can’t feel everything. Everything’s just so empty. Where is everyone when I needed them the most? Am I not important? Am I such a useless person? Yeah, you’d probably thought about that. Yeah, this is life. Okay.

Or,

Perhaps, this is my fault? For being me. For being Lidwina.

You Feel Me?

“Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid”

YES, beyond doubt. If it’s only going to make someone feels bad about themselves, don’t you think you should’ve just accept things the way it is and just give your support in any second plans that is almost happening instead of flaming the sadness that already burning on. I do understand that your opinions are really important and you have the rights to voice out your opinions, another undeniable thing. But please don’t ever forget that I do have my own point of views and I do have my own ways of trying to solve my doesn’t-goes-well-plan-for-plan A. By saying that, it doesn’t mean that I will not listen to what you wanted to say. In fact, I really think that your opinions are really important too. I takes things serious about your opinion but when it doesn’t matches with what I’m planning, I think it’s okay for me to have a little bit of my opinion and combine it with yours and all you have to do is to support me and surrounds me with your positive vibes. Because when it feels like things are started to fall apart, when I can’t clearly see which way I am supposed to take,  when I needed hope when everything seems hopeless, support from the people whom I loved the most is something that I needed more than anything else in this world. When you have the support from the important people in your lives, automatically there’s hope in you. You’ll begin to have faith in yourself and always trying to pour positive words to yourself. Isn’t that wonderful?

We might not know what will happen in the future but for sure God has greater plans for each and everyone of us. And while going through the process of God’s plan, I believe that we need to face various kinds of hardships in life in order to get there, God’s greater plan. And the very best thing to do is to not to compare your journey with another people’s. Because it is decided that in life we’re not going to have a same route as different people have a different life’s path. Sometimes I think that it is okay too to feel all sorts of downs feeling because it actually leads us to a better understanding of life’s most powerful lessons. I’m not saying that it’s easy to cope with it, plus it takes amount of time to feel better but all I can say is that it is worth it. Unfortunately, all those down feelings will not only appear in your life once, it’ll come frequently but on the bright side, you’ll handle it well than you were previously and you’ll be fine.

Those who stay positive even when I’m at my lowest are the best kind of people. You people owned my heart.