IN GOD WE TRUST

“Don’t you feel confused of living your life as a human being in this world?”

I do. It makes me feel so demotivated, lost and hopeless. I’m so confused about every single thing in this world to the point that I can’t even decide on which ones to begin with. I got shocked of myself too because for the past few years I had never questioning myself about how confusing life can be. It’s so confusing that it makes me feel tired of.. living. The ‘I’m so tired. Is it possible for me to just go?’ thoughts had left me clueless. How can I have that kind of thinking? 

The sudden question appeared from nowhere, ‘Lidwina, don’t you think you should be grateful of your life?’ attacked me and I am feeling miserably wrong. Yes, that’s the word. MISERABLY WRONG. It’s a big lie if I say I am not grateful of this life I’m living right now. I would have been committing suicide by taking a lot of pills or drowning myself or even letting myself getting hit by a truck if I am not feeling grateful of this life that I owned. But the thing is that, it is even a bigger lies if I say I am not questioning and feeling all sort of confusing things in my life. 

And here comes the killer question, ‘What is it that makes you feel so confused about life?’ frankly speaking, I’m not sure too. Isn't it ridiculous? 

But most probably it’s because I’m feeling like a lost soul at the moment that makes me questioning about life so much and leads to confusion. I'd probably need some time or space to re-build whatever needed to be re-builds in me. And of course for sure this is the perfect time for me to strengthen my self-learning, to slowly change my viewpoints towards any situations that perhaps currently are heading to me, to apply in my daily life as a self-directing guide and obviously to be a better person than I was before. Certainly, it’s easier said than done. But trust me, I swear I’m trying so hard day by day to fight with these confusions till it makes me felt going to a war as soon as I woken up every morning. 

Whatever it is, I hope it gets better. Lidwina, you’ll get through this.       

NIGHT CHANGES

Well, I'm not a fan of One Direction though but I do like one of their songs which I used it as my post's tittle. I should have put another tittle but I think this one's fine.

I am kind of disappointed because I didn't get to do/accomplish my previous post's plan which is going home. The plan changes so I'll be here for another 2 months something. I am sad but I think this sadness will somehow goes away as time pass by. I will just need to tells positive things to myself because I made this decision so I should face it and learn something through this short journey. Can I survive though? We'll see.

It is still not safe to say that I am already familiar or used to this new surrounding but I can say that it's slowly turning into a comfortable place that I don't really find it awkward anymore. Not completely but at least it's in the progress. Thank god I have a super kind-hearted, friendly and helpful roommate. I would still be crying everyday if it's not because of her. She's my everything here.

It's always a good feeling when you found that one friend whom you can share everything in a new place. It makes you feel that you are never alone in going through a new journey. I am indeed grateful.

HELLO!

I'm back on my blog again but as you can see it's a new blog. I've deleted the previous one. Why? Because I wanted something new and fresh. I did the same thing with my Instagram's account too. So, kind of like starting a new whole thing again. But then it feels good though.

I am away from home for almost a week right now. I will only needs to survive another one week and I can go home. Actually, the first planning is that I'll be away from home for few months but it happens that there's some missed communications and the conclusion is that I can go home after two weeks time. Which is a YEAY for me. To be honest, I really can't stand staying away from home. I missed everyone. There goes the saying 'Home is where the heart is'. Yep, it's undeniable. Yes, I know that I will need to leave home someday, I will do it but just not now. I feel like suffocating leaving home. It's like I've been stabbed in my throat by using a knife and I can't talk anything just tears flowing. Sounds ridiculous but that is what I'm feeling. I really can't wait to go home.

I kind of like feel so empty and alone here. It's not that they are not nice but it's just that I feel so.. alone and awkward. I guess I'm still not used to it. I was a little bit of surprised when I've been asked a question like this last night, "What type of person are you? I mean do you prefer to be alone in any situations or do you like a merrier surroundings? Or more like mingle with people." But of course the question is in Chinese since everyone here is Chinese. Well, I told her that I can do both. I mean I'm not really that kind of a quiet person. I can be loud too. I really loves to laugh but it depends on the situation and also depends with the people I hangs out with. I can't simply be crazy as what I am on the inside if I am not used to my surroundings. So basically people will think that I rather be alone than mingle around. Well, I have my own reasons though. I guess certain people will have this kind of feelings too when it comes to new surroundings which you need to adapt yourself into it.

But what I am really happy about is that I get to improved my Chinese HEHE. I sucks at Chinese since I don't have anyone to speak it with me back in hometown. But still, I haven't completely forgotten about it though.

I think that's all for now. Gewdbai :D