I'm Not Okay. Would You Lend Me Your Shoulder?

Everything’s just not for me. Every single thing that I’ve put my hard work on is not working out. Why? I’ve just started feeling alive again after not feeling OKAY for almost 2 years now. Where is hope? Are you playing with me? Why is it that everything seems so hopeless right now? What is fair anymore? My heart’s shattering into pieces every single time just because I need to fake about me being happy in front of everyone, especially those that I loved so much. Because those that I loved so much, always sees the cheerful, strong and brave Lidwina. How can I show the opposite of those positive attitudes? I care so much when it comes to people that I loved. How is it possible for me to break their hearts? 

I’ve never ever said and told anyone about this particular thought that I always had before, but I know that everyone that knows me expect me to always be the best in everything. And it really hurt me so bad, for people to think that I am always going to be the best which I can’t. Just because I am a disabled person that doesn’t mean that I am less than any other ordinary human being. I have my worst and lowest moments. I can be someone who’s really good at failing too. Not because I wanted it to be that way but because I am a human. Please understand that I can’t always be the best. When everyone of you set that high expectations in me and when I failed to be that successful person in anytime, it kills me. It makes me feel really bad about myself because I disappoint people that I loved. The wound of disappointment that I had takes so much time to heal and even though it heals, it keeps coming back. And I know it’s becoming worst when I slowly started to lose my self-confidence. It takes a whole life for me to build that self-confidence in me and it only takes a moment to crash it. What’s the safest way to take in order for me to protect myself from being hurt as well as the heart’s of my treasures? I think, sometimes I probably had to sacrifice mine. Because at the end of the day, that’s what all matters right? Sacrificing your desire, happiness and sometimes could be your life’s goal too.

Hmm, I don’t know. I just had so many things on my mind right now. Most of it is negative thoughts and it’s really frightening. I don’t even know what to do. All of a sudden, I kind of felt like unsupported in so many ways. People were there to listen but it felt like they weren’t really paying attention to you, they were just there, listening without responding. It extremely broke my heart that certain people in my life thinks that it is okay to let me face my sadness alone. That it is okay to let me just have my time crying silently to sleep. That it is okay to not to talk about it with me for a while. That it is okay for me to hide in my room. NOOOO. Please. It’s not okay! I’m slowly dying here. Can you not see? It’s killing me. Talk to me. That’s what I need. I need you to figure things out with me. I need support. Where’s the love? I can’t feel it. I can’t feel everything. Everything’s just so empty. Where is everyone when I needed them the most? Am I not important? Am I such a useless person? Yeah, you’d probably thought about that. Yeah, this is life. Okay.

Or,

Perhaps, this is my fault? For being me. For being Lidwina.

You Feel Me?

“Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid”

YES, beyond doubt. If it’s only going to make someone feels bad about themselves, don’t you think you should’ve just accept things the way it is and just give your support in any second plans that is almost happening instead of flaming the sadness that already burning on. I do understand that your opinions are really important and you have the rights to voice out your opinions, another undeniable thing. But please don’t ever forget that I do have my own point of views and I do have my own ways of trying to solve my doesn’t-goes-well-plan-for-plan A. By saying that, it doesn’t mean that I will not listen to what you wanted to say. In fact, I really think that your opinions are really important too. I takes things serious about your opinion but when it doesn’t matches with what I’m planning, I think it’s okay for me to have a little bit of my opinion and combine it with yours and all you have to do is to support me and surrounds me with your positive vibes. Because when it feels like things are started to fall apart, when I can’t clearly see which way I am supposed to take,  when I needed hope when everything seems hopeless, support from the people whom I loved the most is something that I needed more than anything else in this world. When you have the support from the important people in your lives, automatically there’s hope in you. You’ll begin to have faith in yourself and always trying to pour positive words to yourself. Isn’t that wonderful?

We might not know what will happen in the future but for sure God has greater plans for each and everyone of us. And while going through the process of God’s plan, I believe that we need to face various kinds of hardships in life in order to get there, God’s greater plan. And the very best thing to do is to not to compare your journey with another people’s. Because it is decided that in life we’re not going to have a same route as different people have a different life’s path. Sometimes I think that it is okay too to feel all sorts of downs feeling because it actually leads us to a better understanding of life’s most powerful lessons. I’m not saying that it’s easy to cope with it, plus it takes amount of time to feel better but all I can say is that it is worth it. Unfortunately, all those down feelings will not only appear in your life once, it’ll come frequently but on the bright side, you’ll handle it well than you were previously and you’ll be fine.

Those who stay positive even when I’m at my lowest are the best kind of people. You people owned my heart.   

PARDON ME FOR CRYING *CRIES*

Pain Demands To Be Felt – John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

Pain demands to be felt. It has a very unfathomable meaning to each and everyone of us, I believe.  It can contain with different explanation or interpretation as different people have a different perspectives. One thing for sure, it is enough to break our heart into pieces no matter what is the incident.

As for me, I have so much LOVE for everything. Be it living and non-living things, it makes no difference to me. It’s really hard to love someone/something without having a little bit of pain inside you. The ‘What Ifs’ kept on interfering my mind. When it comes to humans and animals, it is so scary to have the thoughts that one fine day they are going to leave you. Without saying goodbye or without any signs is the most heart-wrenching pain. Or, can be, the signs that they are leaving are not visible enough for me to realize. Same goes with objects/things that you really love suddenly broke or no longer can be used. You will miss how it used to run before and forever want to keep it with you. All these things make you realized that, it is really a vital reminder for all of us to treasure everything’s in our lives and how crucial it is to unqualifiedly love one another. Because things are never going to be the same again once it’s gone. At the end of the day, you can only hold onto the memories and continue living your life.

“Why am I, all of a sudden, writing this entire thing?”

I actually lost my dog two days ago because she didn’t able to deliver her babies. Yes, it’s a ‘she’, my dog. She got hit by a car back in 2013 if I’m not mistaken. That is also the time when I’m on my second semester of doing Pre-U and living away from home. So, one day in the evening, I got a text from my mom telling me that our dog has been hit by a car. She didn’t die for sure but was in a very critical and weak condition. I was shocked and really sad. Like I said, I have so much love for everything. So, I asked my mom to send a picture of her and my mom did. I am so dumbstruck and I can felt my tears on my cheeks right after I’ve seen her pictures. I thought she won’t be able to recover again but amazingly as time passes by, she managed to pull through although not as healthy as she was before. She loses her weight a lot, had a permanent injury in her right leg and possibly injuries in some of her organs too. I mean, tell me, how can it be possible for a dog that has been hit by a car completely being healthy again?

Me and my dad noticed that there were few times where she got pregnant but always faces miscarriages too. I could totally understand on what is the reason. And obviously I am upset. Who doesn’t? On her last few days, my heart aches so much seeing her condition being so weak and forcing her body by dragging it to eat. Even with that condition, she eats a lot too. She is such a fighter.

She is a very nice dog and she has that innocent looks most of the time. When it’s meal time, she really eats a lot and impatiently finishes everything. Now that she’s gone, I can say that it feels weirdly sad seeing there’s an empty spot where she used to have her meals. Because whenever my dad feed our dogs, I was there too, all the time actually, watching if each of them fairly gets their food. Everything seems to feel different when you are no longer seeing a face that you are used to. She’ll never going to be here anymore, no matter how many times I call her name. I will never see her running around in front of the house anymore. BUT, on the bright side, I am beyond glad that she has gone to a better place. Because I know that she has endured the pain for so long. I wouldn’t want to see her suffered any longer. I believe that God knows the best for everyone and we need to trust that HIS plans are greater than any other things in this world.

It is an eternal goodnight to my dog. I’ll be missing her, dead sure. Rest well and have fun in Heaven!

Now it’s time for me to pick up these broken pieces of my heart. *Wiping a sea of tears*

Till we meet again, my love.

IN GOD WE TRUST

“Don’t you feel confused of living your life as a human being in this world?”

I do. It makes me feel so demotivated, lost and hopeless. I’m so confused about every single thing in this world to the point that I can’t even decide on which ones to begin with. I got shocked of myself too because for the past few years I had never questioning myself about how confusing life can be. It’s so confusing that it makes me feel tired of.. living. The ‘I’m so tired. Is it possible for me to just go?’ thoughts had left me clueless. How can I have that kind of thinking? 

The sudden question appeared from nowhere, ‘Lidwina, don’t you think you should be grateful of your life?’ attacked me and I am feeling miserably wrong. Yes, that’s the word. MISERABLY WRONG. It’s a big lie if I say I am not grateful of this life I’m living right now. I would have been committing suicide by taking a lot of pills or drowning myself or even letting myself getting hit by a truck if I am not feeling grateful of this life that I owned. But the thing is that, it is even a bigger lies if I say I am not questioning and feeling all sort of confusing things in my life. 

And here comes the killer question, ‘What is it that makes you feel so confused about life?’ frankly speaking, I’m not sure too. Isn't it ridiculous? 

But most probably it’s because I’m feeling like a lost soul at the moment that makes me questioning about life so much and leads to confusion. I'd probably need some time or space to re-build whatever needed to be re-builds in me. And of course for sure this is the perfect time for me to strengthen my self-learning, to slowly change my viewpoints towards any situations that perhaps currently are heading to me, to apply in my daily life as a self-directing guide and obviously to be a better person than I was before. Certainly, it’s easier said than done. But trust me, I swear I’m trying so hard day by day to fight with these confusions till it makes me felt going to a war as soon as I woken up every morning. 

Whatever it is, I hope it gets better. Lidwina, you’ll get through this.       

NIGHT CHANGES

Well, I'm not a fan of One Direction though but I do like one of their songs which I used it as my post's tittle. I should have put another tittle but I think this one's fine.

I am kind of disappointed because I didn't get to do/accomplish my previous post's plan which is going home. The plan changes so I'll be here for another 2 months something. I am sad but I think this sadness will somehow goes away as time pass by. I will just need to tells positive things to myself because I made this decision so I should face it and learn something through this short journey. Can I survive though? We'll see.

It is still not safe to say that I am already familiar or used to this new surrounding but I can say that it's slowly turning into a comfortable place that I don't really find it awkward anymore. Not completely but at least it's in the progress. Thank god I have a super kind-hearted, friendly and helpful roommate. I would still be crying everyday if it's not because of her. She's my everything here.

It's always a good feeling when you found that one friend whom you can share everything in a new place. It makes you feel that you are never alone in going through a new journey. I am indeed grateful.

HELLO!

I'm back on my blog again but as you can see it's a new blog. I've deleted the previous one. Why? Because I wanted something new and fresh. I did the same thing with my Instagram's account too. So, kind of like starting a new whole thing again. But then it feels good though.

I am away from home for almost a week right now. I will only needs to survive another one week and I can go home. Actually, the first planning is that I'll be away from home for few months but it happens that there's some missed communications and the conclusion is that I can go home after two weeks time. Which is a YEAY for me. To be honest, I really can't stand staying away from home. I missed everyone. There goes the saying 'Home is where the heart is'. Yep, it's undeniable. Yes, I know that I will need to leave home someday, I will do it but just not now. I feel like suffocating leaving home. It's like I've been stabbed in my throat by using a knife and I can't talk anything just tears flowing. Sounds ridiculous but that is what I'm feeling. I really can't wait to go home.

I kind of like feel so empty and alone here. It's not that they are not nice but it's just that I feel so.. alone and awkward. I guess I'm still not used to it. I was a little bit of surprised when I've been asked a question like this last night, "What type of person are you? I mean do you prefer to be alone in any situations or do you like a merrier surroundings? Or more like mingle with people." But of course the question is in Chinese since everyone here is Chinese. Well, I told her that I can do both. I mean I'm not really that kind of a quiet person. I can be loud too. I really loves to laugh but it depends on the situation and also depends with the people I hangs out with. I can't simply be crazy as what I am on the inside if I am not used to my surroundings. So basically people will think that I rather be alone than mingle around. Well, I have my own reasons though. I guess certain people will have this kind of feelings too when it comes to new surroundings which you need to adapt yourself into it.

But what I am really happy about is that I get to improved my Chinese HEHE. I sucks at Chinese since I don't have anyone to speak it with me back in hometown. But still, I haven't completely forgotten about it though.

I think that's all for now. Gewdbai :D