Everything’s just not for me. Every single thing that I’ve
put my hard work on is not working out. Why? I’ve just started feeling alive
again after not feeling OKAY for almost 2 years now. Where is hope? Are you
playing with me? Why is it that everything seems so hopeless right now? What is
fair anymore? My heart’s shattering into pieces every single time just because
I need to fake about me being happy in front of everyone, especially those that
I loved so much. Because those that I loved so much, always sees the cheerful,
strong and brave Lidwina. How can I show the opposite of those positive
attitudes? I care so much when it comes to people that I loved. How is it
possible for me to break their hearts?
I’ve never ever said and told anyone
about this particular thought that I always had before, but I know that
everyone that knows me expect me to always be the best in everything. And it
really hurt me so bad, for people to think that I am always going to be the
best which I can’t. Just because I am a disabled person that doesn’t mean that
I am less than any other ordinary human being. I have my worst and lowest
moments. I can be someone who’s really good at failing too. Not because I
wanted it to be that way but because I am a human. Please understand that I
can’t always be the best. When everyone of you set that high expectations in me
and when I failed to be that successful person in anytime, it kills me. It
makes me feel really bad about myself because I disappoint people that I loved.
The wound of disappointment that I had takes so much time to heal and even
though it heals, it keeps coming back. And I know it’s becoming worst when I
slowly started to lose my self-confidence. It takes a whole life for me to
build that self-confidence in me and it only takes a moment to crash it. What’s
the safest way to take in order for me to protect myself from being hurt as
well as the heart’s of my treasures? I think, sometimes I probably had to
sacrifice mine. Because at the end of the day, that’s what all matters right?
Sacrificing your desire, happiness and sometimes could be your life’s goal too.
Hmm, I don’t know. I just had so many things on my mind right
now. Most of it is negative thoughts and it’s really frightening. I don’t even
know what to do. All of a sudden, I kind of felt like unsupported in so many
ways. People were there to listen but it felt like they weren’t really paying
attention to you, they were just there, listening without responding. It extremely
broke my heart that certain people in my life thinks that it is okay to let me
face my sadness alone. That it is okay to let me just have my time crying
silently to sleep. That it is okay to not to talk about it with me for a while.
That it is okay for me to hide in my room. NOOOO. Please. It’s not okay! I’m
slowly dying here. Can you not see? It’s killing me. Talk to me. That’s what I
need. I need you to figure things out with me. I need support. Where’s the love?
I can’t feel it. I can’t feel everything. Everything’s just so empty. Where is
everyone when I needed them the most? Am I not important? Am I such a useless
person? Yeah, you’d probably thought about that. Yeah, this is life. Okay.
Or,
Perhaps, this is my fault? For being me. For being Lidwina.
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