Losing Myself

As I am writing this, I had no positive thoughts in me. I am occupied with on and off different kinds of negative thoughts. I have so many things on my mind. Wished to let it out on my blog but I don’t even know how to start or where to start or what to write. I don’t even know if my fingers want to type any words but it’s typing now. Can’t even decide if I’m hungry and I want food or I’m just thirsty but when I went to the kitchen, I was just washing my hands when it’s not even dirty and straight went back to my room. What the hell was that? I think I want a cup of tea mixed with milk and my favorite cookies Chipsmore and Oreo but I don’t feel happy. I want to feel happy while I’m having them just like the other nights. I saw familiar faces but every word that comes out from my mouth are something that I didn’t meant to utter. Because there’s something deep hidden beyond every words that has been spoken. And it’s totally up to me whether to splash or zip it. If I splash it, that’s not me. If I zip it, at least it’s me but it’s killing me. It’s like you’re slowly dying but not because of diseases but because of your own thoughts. You are suffocating. Some days, you managed to fight it really well, how wonderful that feeling was. But other days, you just have it worst, it’s totally conquering you. 

For now, I just don’t feel good. I feel like if there’s an award for the greatest failure person then that award should goes to me. I feel like I’m not good enough in everything. I feel like I haven’t achieved anything in my life. Please understand that I am not being an ungrateful person but it is because I am a human being with heart and a feeling causes me having these ‘not good enough’ kinds of feelings. And I’d like myself to believe that it is totally acceptable and OK to feel like this sometimes because there are tons of people out there saying and telling me that “life is not going to be sweet and smooth, it’s going to be like you are on a roller coaster. You’ve been doing it wrong if everything goes well. Because if you haven’t been feeling all the lows and downs feelings, you wouldn’t know how to appreciate life better.” I’d take that as my struggles in life will shape me on to a way of becoming the person I aspire to be. It’s just that it’s not working on me right now. I mean it does work most of the time but sometimes, it didn’t.

Sometimes when negativity consumes me, I have this strong thought of wanting to go out, sitting beside a stranger and just casually talking about life like I’ve known him/her for years. I feel like I wanted to be surrounded by kids, asking and answering questions with them wonderful people. Because usually children gives the most sincere and pure answers that I’m sure can brings out the best in me. I feel like I wanted to share my foods and drinks with anyone who doesn’t have it and needs it. I feel like I wanted to text and call the people that I adore so much in my life, telling them that I don’t feel good about myself, that I don’t know what’s my purpose in this world. It doesn’t matter if they didn’t want to respond to my rants, I just wanted someone who’s willing to listen to it. Because it means the world to me knowing that people do care. 

And sometimes, I really wished I know that particular person on Ask.fm that has been asking whether I’m doing okay or not, because I have so much things to tell him/her. I wanted to say thank you for the question because I felt so appreciated and I wanted to talk about life’s disappointment, cats, insomnia, depression, fears, soothing music, love, passions, and all the beautiful and ugly things in the universe. And I don’t mind talking to stranger for hours if that will makes me feel good about everything. I just wanted to do whatever that makes me happy and be in a place that makes me feel good about myself.  Sometimes I wanted to inspired people but most of the time I am the one who needs those inspirational people so much in my life. I can’t be an inspiration or a good example to the people out there if I don’t feel like me. I mean, how can I? I am basically nothing.

I’m so sorry for the negative energies that I’ve turned into a post.

I was just letting it out.